Anger & Fear

The angry people are those people who are most afraid. Dr. Robert Anthony

Aggression they say is the best form of defense and very often this logic succeeds because the counter party is too swamped or overwhelmed to respond effectively. It is this logic that is used by many a people many a time when they are on a weak footing and have their back to the wall. To hide they fear they use aggression, very often in the form of anger, to deflect the opponent, divert attention from the problem and to bulldoze the other into submission. While there may be temporary success, it is obvious that in the long run it wont hold up against someone who sees though your thin veneer of the angry performance.

 There are two lessons to be learned here. The first is that, if you are on the wrong, it best that you stop covering up and admit the fault rather than deflecting attention by aggression and anger. Your fear that you will be exposed can happen any which way because the probability of the truth succeeding is much higher than the untruth being camouflaged forever. It is also important to realize that when fearful we are prone to make more mistakes, tell more untruths, get stressed and will be mentally disturbed. This will take a toll on ones personal health, relationships and mental peace. The net effect is that we would be walking around fooling ourselves that we have a problem solved but always wary that the facade can be exposed.

 It is imperative that we be aware that an angry opponent is very often irrational in his/ her behavior and hence prudent confrontation is always advised. Bearing this in mind the second lesson is that when confronting someone who is angry; examine the source of the anger even while we maintain our cool. Remember a calm mind can think better and more rationally and so your arguments, logic and rebuttal to an angry outburst will be measured, firm and pointed. Often an aggressive, angry and  fearful opponent when cornered with facts, evidence and logic will make some attempts to heighten the tempo of his / her aggression but will never be able to keep it up for they suddenly realize that they are standing on a quick sand pit. They will then make attempts to reconcile and resole rather than confront and lose.

Remember: Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration. Dr Phil

 Try these:

The next time you lose your temper and after you have calmed down, ask yourself the following questions.

  1. Did I lose my temper because I didn’t get my way?
  2. Did the other party irritate me by being stubborn/ indifferent/ unresponsive/ loud/ boorish etc.?
  3. Was the other party right and was my anger more a reaction to my own helplessness?
  4. Was I cowed down or fearful of the fact that my own family members/ children disobey me and I feel powerless and try to assert myself by anger?
  5. Did the answers to the above enlighten you?

During the past month can you recollect the times and the reasons why you got angry and irritated?

  1. How many of these situations warranted your legitimate anger and how many of them were avoidable?
  2. When you get annoyed how do you express your anger?
  3. Do you shout, use foul language, sulk , threaten people or get physical?

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